You know when you have those days? You know the ones. Everyone has them. The ones where you feel utterly useless, hopeless and like you’re doing everything wrong. Today was one of those days.
Today pretty much everything that could go wrong, did. Eden wouldn’t go back to sleep after her first bottle like she usually does and both Amy and I had headaches. So the baby was bouncing around like the happiest thing on Earth and all I could think was “go the f*ck to sleep.” Then when we eventually DID get her back to sleep, we were woken up by the dogs loudly announcing the arrival of the postman, which didn’t help with me still feeling like I had a camel sitting on my head. Amy and I fought on the way to the station and then she had to go to work and just leave it hanging in mid air. Eden and I headed to the local park and found a spot for her to crawl around and then it happened.
I. Lost. My. Shit. Totally lost it. Tears in the park. You know when everything gets on top of you and just sits there? The house is a dump, we’re short(er than usual) on money because of maternity pay (or lack thereof) and the dogs are being as irritating as they come. Then you’ve got this amazing, adorable baby who wants to explore everything and just can’t sit still for longer than five minutes flat.
Watching her in the park, all kinds of things crossed my mind. I wondered if I was enough. I wondered if we were doing it right. It’s fairly obvious to me that neither Amy nor I have a fricking clue what we are doing. As soon as we get the hang of Eden, she changes. I know it’s normal, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I know we are perfectly normal first time parents who are doing the best we can, but when the doubt creeps in that is hard to deal with. If only there was a rule book or some kind of tick list or guide. Something that would give you a green light when you’re doing good and a red light when you’re not.
Then I chilled my shit out. Why?
That happy little face. That little stick carrying weirdo who was sitting, grinning at me on the grass. Who, shortly after I took this, crawled over to me, curled up in my lap and went to sleep. Through looking at her, I know we’re enough. I know we’re doing a good job. She doesn’t have to say it because we can see it. It’s there every time she smiles, every time she says “mama” and every time she comes to us for cuddles. Every time she wants to share her happiness with us or comes to us for comfort it’s because we’re doing a good job. Of course we have no idea what we are doing – we’ve never done this before. We’re learning as Eden learns and it’s ok to find that hard.
So, there you have it. Parenting like it is. Sometimes it’s unicorns and rainbows. Other times it’s tears in the park. But what it comes back to is the fact that however hard it is and however many challenges are in our way, we are doing a great job. I only have to look at my happy little girl to see that.