Today has most certainly been “one of those days”. The morning was fine. I went out with Amy before her shift this afternoon, we had lunch and then she went off to work. My plan from that point was to head to Starbucks, grab a Pumpkin Spice Latte and head home. Unfortunately as soon as Amy left me I was hit by a barrage of “meh”. I just felt crap. I just lost all energy. I didn’t even want Starbucks in the end – I just got on the bus and went home. The bus is always an issue as it’s just like a scrum, so by the time I got home I was just the grumpiest Laura that there has ever been.
I had about an hour’s nap before my night shift tonight. I would have had longer, only the postman decided that the best time to bring our mail was THREE THIRTY in the afternoon! Might as well have not bothered if you ask me, but hey! So, I didn’t get much sleep before being chained to a desk for the duration of the night shift.
I came in to work still feeling rubbish. Rush hour in London doesn’t much help when one is feeling rubbish anyway. When I got to near work I picked up my Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks – my favourite at the moment – and headed in for what I’m sure was going to be another night of thrills and spills.
Tonight I’ve really felt rubbish. I ended up having a good cry in my first break because I really did feel like crap. If I’m honest, I’m becoming frustrated with trying for a baby. Yes, I know we’ve only been trying for six cycles, but it’s been almost three years since our first ever try. In that time we’ve been through a house move, a court case, two dogs and all kinds of other trials and tribulations. It’s difficult. No one ever tells you how hard it is.
I think everyone has this expectation of what getting pregnant will be like. Maybe it’s drilled in by sex ed at school telling you that if you so much as look at a penis you will be immediately impregnated and “ruin your life”. Maybe it’s drilled in by early suggestion of contraceptives by well meaning doctors and nurses. But everyone thinks they will catch first time. It’s pretty crushing when you don’t, but you pick yourself up and try again… And again… And again… And again.
I think my freak out earlier today was probably not helped by the supervisor who is on shift tonight. She is pregnant, which is difficult, but she is actually due in the day we would have been due had we still been pregnant. That is very difficult, because every time I see her she is more glowing and more obviously pregnant. She is currently sporting a lovely bump, which makes me sad as I want a cute bump too! I guess it’s not just the green eyed monster making its appearance, but it also makes my heart ache. It makes me sad knowing that I would be the same stage as her had my pregnancy not ended.
I did find that a good cry during my break did help. Sometimes these feelings need to come out. I’m finding myself very frustrated with not only trying to concieve, but with the community around it. I’m tired of the stupid rumours that people tell eachother. I’m tired of people sang you must do certain things to get pregnant. Ridiculous things. Things like you must have an orgasm. You must have sex as many times as you can or you have no chance at all ever.
I’m also tired of the false hope given out on these forums. I’m tired of people posting things like “am I pregnant? I have sore boobs!” And some doofus posts something like “DEFINITELY!”. Erm… No. How do you know?! Only a positive test can tell you if you’re pregnant or not. Not a forum. I guess this is part of my frustrations at the moment and I need a break from some of it. Don’t even start me on people posting pictures of their cervical mucus…
I’ve met some wonderful women on those forums, but many of them I keep in contact with outside of the forums as well. I’m actually looking forward to a break. I don’t know if I will go back. I’ve come to realise that there is no magic potion to get pregnant. These forums are full of people looking for that magic potion and I think that’s why it frustrates me.
Maybe I’ll go back one day. Maybe I’m now headed into the realm of the “bitter infertile”. Who knows? For how, the break is what I need. I need to wait out this two week wait with relative sanity and without losing the plot entirely. Only one more cycle to go before my doctor will start interventions!